OMG MY OTP IS SO KYUUUUUUT!
by SpanishMonkeys
Summary: CRACK. Crack crack crackity crack. Request a pairing, and I'll write a oneshot. If you value your sanity, I suggest you leave now.
1. Intro

Hai dere! :3 So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to get you guys to request a pairing (Hetalia, obviously,) and I'll write a cracktastical oneshot about it! The pairings have to be legit pairings, and not ones like Seychelles and Austria or something. :P It probably will be mind scarring, so if you value your sanity, I suggest you leave. Good day to you sir. Anyway, I apologize for my overuse of emoticons and rambling, and if you're intent on seeing a pairing of your choice do something really crackish, leave a review, and I'll create a oneshot! Thnx, SpanishMonkeys 


	2. Spain x Romano

A/N: So here is Spain and Romano! The story will probably be updated once a week, if not more, but It worry! Anyway, enjoy!

Thnx,

SpanishMonkeys

Once upon a time, there was a certain country called Spain. He was sitting on Romano's head. The author didn't feel like properly introducing him, so you're just gonna have to deal with it.

"Get off me," Romano said. Just then, a Pikachu flew past. Spain jumped up, did a cartwheel, and received 10 points, a big smile on his face.

"Do you know what this means, Romano?" he asked.

"What means what you idiot?" Romano snapped.

"The fruit loop!"

Romano scowled at Spain. "What fruit loop?"

Spain ignored Romano and pointed up into the sky.

"TO THE BATMOBILE!" he shouted. The Batmobile drove up, without a driver. It was a decked out in pink, with sparkly rainbow and heart stickers, not to mention the unicorns, which were donated by England, who promptly continued crying about his arms, which had turned into sticks.

Spain and Romano jumped into the car and drove off into the city. The sky turned purple, then red, then green, then finally back to Bled. Bled is a colour so blinding, the sun could shatter into a green version of Johnny Cash. And that's exactly what the sun did.

Meanwhile, the Batmobile approached a building. A scream came from one of the open windows, and a rat flew out. But that's irrelevant to the story.

Spain could not stop the Batmobile in time, so the vehicle crashed and broke the building's fourth wall. Millions of burgers came streaming out; it was a giant river of America's essence. Romano swore profusely, and Spain grabbed a gun. When he pulled the trigger, potatoes came blasting out. Romano saw the cursed vegetable and his eyes widened. He got back into the Batmobile and flew away into the Bled sky.

"I'm not laying sight on those things!" he screamed as he drove the vehicle through the sky. Eventually, he went higher than the clouds where the sky turned back to normal. Romano took a deep breath, relieved. Then a microscope flew past. Romano panicked again, and jumped out of the Batmobile. He fell through three realms: Sky, sky, and Bakugan. But Bakugan was so seven years ago, so that just made everything worse.

Eventually Romano landed in the middle of a field, dazed but unharmed. Then Spain came dancing over, and stood in front of Romano, doing the Macarena. Romano booed and threw a guinea pig at him. Spain sat down and they watched the sky.

"Why is the sky blue?" Romano asked eventually.

"It is a lovely shade of blue," Spain replied.

"That told me nothing," Romano snapped, eating an acorn.

"It's because carrot." Spain grabbed Romano's acorn and cracked it open. Romano flipped out again.

"YOUR NAME IS LIKE MATH!" he screamed. Spain decided this called for desperate measures.

"Let's have tomato juice," he said, pulling out a container of some from a nearby plot hole. Spain drank. Then Romano drank. Spain forgot that the tomato juice was actually alcohol blood stolen from Romania.

"You idiot, the sky isn't blue," Romano said. His eyes turned yellow.

"Wut?" Spain asked, intoxicated by the blood.

"The sky is Bled." Romano took his shirt off. Spain started drooling.

"The Mandrakes are hurting me though," Spain replied and grabbed Romano. They promptly made out in the field, where Sealand was watching. Finland beat him with a pancake after.


	3. Norway x Liechtenstein

**A/N:** What is this? I don't even….. Everyone is officially OOC.

One day, Michael Norway Jackson was moon walking down the streets of Vaduz, which is Liechtenstein's capital, passing by all of the shops. One of the shops caught his eye, so he moon walked sideways like a piano until he could see what caught his eye. He plastered his face to the glass window as he stared at his most favourite thing in the world.

Norway broke through the glass door instead of opening it and ran directly to the counter. A loaf of bread flew out of the store like it was a football.

"Hello Miss Liechtenstein, I'd like to buy that thing right there," Norway said as he pointed to the candy Chocolate Frog Pikachu through the protective glass. Liechtenstein, who was behind the counter and undressing Norway with her eyes said "Sure," and grabbed the packet that Norway specified.

"Wait! And that one too." Norway pointed to Denmark's dead body trying to blend in with the candy. Norway looked around at the other sugar-filled treats. "And that one, and this, and that, and double of what you've got in your hand, oh, and lots of that…."

Norway moon walked out of the store carrying five bags of candy, a dead Denmark, and three lollipops in his mouth.

He was planning to go home and eat his candy, maybe share some, but mostly eat all of it. Norway's mind filled with the tantalizing thoughts of eating his candy when he moon walked into what felt like a brick wall and fell over.

Bits of candy and sugar rolled away from one of the now ripped bags.

"Watch where you're going," Liechtenstein said, who had left the store and was secretly stalking Norway from in front helped him up. "I see you have some treats. Mind if I have some?"

"Yeah, only if you carry the bags for me," Norway replied. Liechtenstein picked up the five bags of candy. Denmark's body was devoured by a tissue box seconds earlier. The ripped bag was leaking candy.

"Don't worry Liechtenstein; that candy won't go to waste," Norway said as he put his head in the shower of candy and opened his mouth.

They started forward, Norway awkwardly half bending, half eating and half moon walking beside her. Eventually, they were stopped because an army of old Nokia cell phones melted out from the ground.

"Protect the candy!" Norway shouted, as he and his troll beat the cursed phones into oblivion. Norway and Liechtenstein thought victory was in their stomachs. That's when it happened.

A remaining phone snuck past Norway and Liechtenstein and began eating away at all the candy. When the two countries looked back at their bags, they were empty. The cell phone burped with satisfaction. Liechtenstein felt the air tighten and Norway's eye began to twitch. Norway's hand started shaking uncontrollably and now both his eyes were flickering.

Liechtenstein disappeared in a puff of strawberries as Norway entered his Norwegian Sugoi Kawaii Desu Rage Mode.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! URGONNADIE UMODERF****R!" Norway screamed. He moon walked over to the cell phone and began his harsh combo on it. Bam, boom, pow, whack, slice, boing, tink, thwack, zoom, watermelon! Norway blasted out his anger on the cell phone.

He kept up smashing the cell phone to bits, until it eventually dispersed in a flash of darkness. Norway stood where he was; he hadn't let all his anger out yet. He bellowed an all mighty yell and the earth around him was obliterated.

Strawberries gathered to a single point and Liechtenstein then emerged out of them. She looked at Norway and the crisp earth that surrounded them.

"Hey, you wanna buy some candy?"


	4. Russia x Canada

**A/N:** These just keep getting worse and worse….

Russia was having a seizure on the world meeting table because he tried to eat SpongeBob socks. He sniffed Larry the Cable Guy and threw a raisin at Canada. Canada shook a flute and poked the raisin, and it ate him.

"It's written in the stars," the raisin said, as it turned into a turtle. Russia meanwhile took an ink pen and sucked on it because it tasted like skittles. He jumped onto the chandelier, screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW!" and a bathrobe came and slapped him, then shuffled away because it wanted to see him SHAKE DAT. Canada was revived by a pillow and a volcano erupted. Iceland suffocated and died, and Canada's hair flew to Ur Anus. He grew a new hairdo that was all jazzed up Sora-style and it was coloured a brilliant Blello. Blello was like Bled, but only less worse. Russia had started swimming in a sea of pickles and got punched by an old man.

"LAAA! LEE! AI TOWLD YEW!" Canada spun around on a parrot, which exploded because a palm leaf did a back flip.

The old man that got told frown-smiled, took a jacket, and rode on it, wearing an apricot.

RUSSIA SPUN AROUND IN A CAREBEAR COSTUME, LICKED CANADA'S FACE, STABBED THE WINDOW WITH TONY AND WIGGLED OUT.

A WILD KUMAJIRO APPEARED.

CANADA USED OhMiGoDlIkEtOtAlLyIlOvEyOuSoMuChLoLoLoL.

IT WASN'T EFFECTIVE.

Russia ran back in with a cinnamon bun and sleeveless pants. The cinnamon bun gave Canada a squid then flew out.

CANANDA ABSOULOUETLEY HATES MISPELLEOINE STUFF HAPAPZARDLY WITH VON CONCIOUSNESS WHATSOEVRT.

Russia took off his scarf.

"Let's measure our legs, da?" he asked. And so they did. Russia's legs fell off and became legs fit for a Barbie. Canada noticed their pristine plastic-surgery and proceeded to explain the Quantum Theory to Russia.

"It goes like a rocket, like BRGHSGHSGAHGSHG, it exploded and a thousand tiny fingers rained down on me."

An apple named John came in and sat on Russia's face. He screamed, and a teddy bear came in and wanted to be a Pikachu's Thunder Buddy.

Cthulu crashed through the world meeting's fourth wall again as speakers floated through the air with no gravity. An alien from Ur Anus complained that the joke had already been used and that the author should really get help. But that doesn't matter as much as the author's keyboard had just flipped out and landed in the freezer.

Canada and Russia ran around the table, throwing Switzerland's peace prize everywhere as they yelled like Tarzan on drugs.

A bus came and humped them both.


	5. China x Liechtenstein

One fine morning, China was doing Tai Chi in the park. But it wasn't just any old plain Tai Chi. It was Super Awesome Rainbows Kawaii Desu Sun Shining Down From The Sky Omigodliketotally Tai Chi. His hair had grown, so now it was as long as Rapunzel's hair.

China's arm suddenly stretched out and contorted, bending like jello, travelling all around the world once. His hair started floating when a wild Pikachu appeared. Well, it wasn't really wild. Suddenly, a flying magic school bus came down out of China's ear and landed in front of him. Twenty kids and an adult got out. One of the kids being Liechtenstein.

"GOD DAMMIT MISS FRIZZLE!" a kid with curly orange hair and glasses shouted. "I NEVER WANT TO GO ON YOUR STUPID FIELD TRIPS NOBODY LIKES. WHY DO YOU TORTURE US LIKE THIS?!"

A quiet brunette spoke up. "At my old school, mentally retarded nerd-looking people never shouted at-"

"YOU SHUT UP AND GO HOME. NOBODY LIKES OR CARES ABOUT YOUR OLD SCHOOL."

The girl hung her head in shame and walked over to Tony the Tiger, who only ate her head while loudly proclaiming the Frosted Flakes were overrated, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch is where it's at.

The bus and the random people disappeared, all except for Liechtenstein, who was looking quite scared and disturbed.

"What happened, my sweet P.T.?" China asked.

"They tried to take my leather pants…" the girl replied. China ignored her completely.

"Hot hot hot, we are quite sexy~" he sang. Liechtenstein looked confused.

"China, that doesn't rhyme-"

"SHUT UP I AM LADY GAGA."

All of a sudden, capten lul flew down from a tree.

"Ahm capten lul. Yoo wil bow down and cri evriteim yoo si mi. Ahm surry. They fursed mi. I cudn't help maiself. I leik caik."

capten lul exploded into a million burritos. The two nations were still trying to figure out how to pronounce a name with no capitals. Liechtenstein decided they needed some help.

"Ah, Mr. Book. There you are," she said as a very cute-looking book walked in. China looked down. The book waddled up to his feet and plopped down. China stared at Mr. Book.

"SOOOOOO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! Aru." He yelled.

Yo Harry. Yo a wizard. PaPaPaPaPaPaPaPa. There. You heard it, right? Shoosh-pap. Now, on with the story.

Liechtenstein decided to make an ode to China, to express her undying love. She ran to the top of a hill and declared her feelings to China, and the rising sun.

"O Captain of the Crunch! Lay down your cap! The time for the grandest hat is upon us! Avast! In the distance – the marshmallow puff ship, the sign of eternal happiness in the five….is it five? Five stars. Is it a ninja? Is it an extremely drunk person? No! Forsooth! It is China, not Yao Wang, or Wang Yao as it correctly should be arranged! And for him, I will risk my life and limb and chimpanzees, I will bake a lemon meringue pie in preparation of the Tai Chi that will come, along with breakfast cereals and lots of Russian vodka, and also more chimpanzees. So that when thou dost arrive, I may beg entry to your-I mean…I don't know anymore. I'll just say 'Je parle français avec vous!' and give Cheetos to you. For arriving in your majesty dripping with gold and apples, I shall only whisper 'omelette de fromage' in awe. For don't you know?! I am a maker of hats, out of macaroni, my dear China, and I am here for a life of servitude to my glorious Chinese King (whether he wants it or not). And to make him little paper cranes out of anything I can find."

**A/N:** I don't own Hetalia, but Mr. Book and capten lul belong to me, and I belong to corrupted aliens. Btw, that P.T. joke will only make sense if you're French. Or have been speaking French for quite a while. :P


	6. Italy x Germany

** A/N:** Special fangz (get it cuz im goffik) 2 my reedrs AND NO FLAMES dey arent perfect deyre depressed, k?

Hi my name is italy, but ppl cal me felciano 4 som reason. I dont no y an it makes me depresswed. I wear all of dis goffik stuff and makeup and I got all of it at Hot Topic wich tekniclly isnt a goffik stor but watevs. I waz waking around when sudenly I looked up. Germany waz standing dere in goffik stuff 2, and I waz exited.

"Germnay ur not a prep" I exclamd.

"no I got it at hot topic" he rplied gestring at himself. He lookd laik he waz thinking about som nauty stuff.

"Now now Germnay," I sed "u cant do dat now. Not til later." Germany smild.

"ok I can wait. In da meantime ill hang out wit my bruder." Dat sentenc made me depresed.

"no hes a prep!" I screamed. "how dare u!" evry1 luvs dat prep! Y cant dey like som1 like me? Im alone. Screw Germnay an his preppy ways. Hes a prep on disgise. I ran away 2 my hows and crid. Romano came in and trid 2 comfrt me. But it didnt work.

"its ok felicona im here." He sed. But he used da name dat evry1 used but its not my real name so it made me angry.

"go away Romano!" I yelled. He went away. I crid for a wile ;onger. Just then Germnay came in.

"u 2!" I sed, not looking up. If I did tho, Germany wud hav a sad look on his face.

"but Italy," he sed. Now I looked up, cuz he used my actul name.

"wat?"

"im sorry," germnay sed. "I banishd my bruder off de earth. He waz a stupid prep." I smiled.

'dats good." Germany looked shy.

"Italy?"

"Yes?"

"I luv u." I got exited. He sed he luved me! I sed I luved him 2, an we lived happily ever after witout dat prep Prussia. The end.

**A/N:** *Slow claps* Wow. You actually made it through. I'm surprised. Happy April Fools.

Thnx,

SpanishMonkeys


	7. Prussia x Canada

**A/N:** It like Prussia. AT ALL.

Prussia got the fork.

Prussia got the knife.

Prussia got the maple syrup.

Prussia put the maple syrup on the pancake.

Prussia cut the pancake.

Prussia put the piece of pancake in his mouth.

Prussia chewed the piece of pancake.

Prussia swallowed the piece of pancake.

Prussia cut the pancake.

Prussia put the piece of pancake in his mouth.

Prussia chewed the piece of pancake.

Prussia swallowed the piece of pancake.

Prussia choked on the piece of pancake.

Prussia died because of the pancake.

Canada came in.

Canada saw the pancake.

Canada saw Prussia.

Canada went in the kitchen.

Canada ate the pancake.


	8. Turkey x England

**A/N:** Making a parody of reader inserts. I think this one is a bit less funny because I ran out of ideas. Please don't be offended and I apologize in advance if this subject is sensitive to you. :P

You just couldn't do it. There was no way. You sat down against the lockers, head leaning against your knees. School was too hard, too boring, and torturous to go through. Just one day. One more day. People always picked on you. Everywhere you went: the library, the washrooms, in the hallways. Constant jabs at your hair, your weight, your social life. Your only friend was a guy called Turkey. Whenever you felt depressed, he was right there beside you. But today, like he has been recently, wasn't there.

You sat there for what seemed like hours, mulling over what just happened, silent tears pouring down your face. It was the popular kids; they were doing the usual. If only Turkey were there.

Then, a tiny voice from the depths of your spleen spoke up.

_Forget it,_ the voice sneered, _he's already gone. You have no one. Just admit it. Just end it._

For a moment, you considered the idea. But then you decided to hold it off just a little longer. One more day. You decided to go find Turkey yourself, since he never came to you anymore.

You found him sitting at a table in a secluded section of the library. As you approached, he looked up and gave a cheery wave, smiling. The smile soon faded as he noticed your state.

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly as soon as you sat down next to him. He wrapped a comforting arm around your shoulder.

"The usual…" you mumbled looking down. Turkey gave a comforting squeeze.

"Just tell me everything," he said. You sighed and began after a moment's hesitation.

"Well, it all started when I walked in because I'm so pathetic, and…..Turkey?" You noticed Turkey wasn't listening to you anymore. His reassuring arm slowly slid off your shoulder without him realizing as he gaped at the man that just entered. You followed his gaze. It was England, the one everybody loves. Looking back at Turkey, you felt a growing sensation of hurt, but more importantly, disgust. Turkey stood up and as if in a trance, walked straight up to England, who was looking at him weirdly. You got up and followed him.

"YOU PIKACHU!" You screamed as you Falcon Punched him. Turkey flew up and blasted through the ceiling where a thousand telephone boxes and weird robot things yelling 'EXTERMINATE!' for no reason fell through. They managed to land where you were, evidently killing you. England used his stick arms to fly up to where Turkey was. England found him sitting on the moon, observing the chaos going on back home. The Earth was now coloured purple, where he could see giant Godzillas running around, with a sassing Japan following them.

Complete assortment. Best price and money back guaranteed.

A coffee machine exploded. That caused a chain of events to happen, which led to the ultimate destruction of Middle-Earth. I just killed a unicron. The very same unicron that Wise rode on when he was a little sapling; just a sprout.

England grabbed the Death Note (BECAUSE HE IS KIRA) and wrote his pixie's name on it: Fluffy Angelcakes Nathaniel the Third.

OH GOD THE HUMANITY.

Turkey rode in on his horse that could breathe carbon dioxide and whisked England into his arms. And so, they rode of into the sunset to their marshmallow castle where they could live in fluffitude.

And fluffitude is a word. Search it up. I dare you.

Cats.


	9. Japan x England

It was a cold, stormy day in the vast wasteland of England (not that it wasn't normal), when suddenly, zombie Pikachus sprouted from the earth like tiny hideous grey-green flowers, shouting "PikaBRAINS!" Millions of these creatures pulled themselves from the ground and as one successfully reached the air, the Titanic theme started playing as it ran at another zombie Pikachu, which was also running. They embraced on contact as everyone else watched disapprovingly with crossed arms.

The taller Zombiechu held the other's face and whispered in Pokémon language, "I wish I had a hotdog" before what appeared to be the leader with a half human, half Zombiechu body slid over with a oboe in hand, from which he shot Bled lasers; that impaled the two in their brains located in their mouth.

"All hail the king!" The others chorused as the two fell dead.

The leader spun around once, headbanged, and said,

"Thank ya, thank ya very much."

They then had a tea party on the corpses of their fallen allies.

A few feet away, England watched the whole ordeal with vague interest before he jumped into the sea, muttering something about taxidermy and candles.

On an island somewhere else, Japan was about to commit honourable seppuku for eating a carrot cookie when suddenly the tissue box started ringing loudly and incessantly. Japan stopped what he was doing and rushed to the side of his glass cage and stared at the 'phone' with 'Kawaii Desu' eyes.

England, who randomly appeared, stopped licking his tongue and Flying Mint Bunny swam up onto the rock in its tank with a confused glance at the tissue box.

"The phone; the phone is ringing," Japan sang, making an opening in the glass easily with his heat vision as he strode purposefully toward the ringing tissue box.

"The phone, we'll be right there!" England continued, flying out of his own cage with refurbished yellow wings.

"There's an animal in trouble!" exclaimed Flying Mint Bunny, slamming its head into the side of its tank multiple times before it finally gave way and poured it out on the floor along with all the water. Once on the floor, it began to have some sort of fit like a fish out of water as it bled from his head which was cut open by the glass from the tank. The other two ignored its convulsions and continued the song, which was obviously way more important than a retarded rabbit thing having a seizure on the floor because it believed it had gills, which didn't really make sense in the first place considering it was supposed to be the turtle of the group.

"There's an animal in trouble! There's an animal in trouble somewhere," the two nations finished.

Japan took a tissue from the ringing box and blew his nose with it.

"Poseidon, what's the sitch?" he inquired seriously into the air.

"Pochi-kun is being molested by a zombie Pikachu reincarnation of Elvis Presley," answered Poseidon from his flame bath in the Underworld as Hades squeezed a rubber duck. "Oooh, that's the stuff, Hades."

England ignored the half-moaned statement, and said "This is sewious."

Japan glanced at him curiously, "When did you acquire a lisp?"

"If you can be desu, so can I."

The two glared at each other as the desu sparkles over their heads duked it out, causing massive organ defilation and almost wiping out the entire race of desu sparkles altogether. There were numerous casualties on both sides, and the leader of England's Knights Who Say Ni made one last stand, one desperate attempt to end this horribru war. He could go back to his family around David Bowie's head because we all know how desu he is. His attack was in vain, however, as his limbs fell to the ground, he only wished to eat a hot dog one last time before he closed his eyes for good.

Meanwhile, down below, Japan broke the desudesu code of vuvuzela and started talking about Twilight.

The desu sparkles above him shattered with a blood-curdling scream, and the leader of the Knights Who Say Ni cracked open an eye and thanked the real stars above as he began to slowly limp back to his family.

"Yes, well," Japan said softly as the moaning continued on the other line, "They're not desu sparkles."

Above them, they heard a faint high-pitched squeal before what sounded like glass breaking.

"Speaking of glass breaking," said England, completely ignoring the fact that the author didn't put any quotes around the previous statement, "Flying Mint Bunny's fourth wall on its tank seems to have broken. Along with its face. Should we do anything?"

"It'll be fine," responded Japan, not even looking at the rabbit, which was now foaming at the mouth. "Now, Poseidon, where can I find Pochi-kun so I may take advantage of him in his vulnerable state and slowly rip him apart while he's screaming for mercy!"

Japan blinked as he realized what he'd just said out loud.

"Pancakes," said England.

"Athens," Poseidon responded, and proceeded to hang up the phone.

England and Japan then beamed themselves to Athens, where they saved Pochi-kun, then went back home to play a style of Monopoly in bed. The end. The author is too lazy to describe what happened.


	10. America x England

One day in the depths of the Frozen wasteland called Siberia, England was raging. He didn't like the fact that America was stronger then him.

"I'M LEAVING!" He shouted, turning around angrily. America was right in front of him, holding out a hand, a deadly serious expression on his face.

"Ready you are not, young grasshopper," he said. "A fish must learn to swim before it can collect pollen for its chicks."

England nodded solemnly as Eye of the Tiger started playing.

One corny training montage later, England finally arrived home to praise the queen. He had a camouflage-print headband tied around his head with black smears under his eyes, and huge, bulging muscles. He was also tan and sweating all over for some reason, causing his to basically blind you with pheromones if you even thought about looking at his incredibly toned body.

"Training montages, good for the buns and thighs," America said, giving a thumbs-up at the camera.

"Ja, buns and thighs," England agreed in a Manry German Voice.

The queen took the time out of taxidermy-ing a live squirrel to stare at the pair blankly. The live squirrel took the time out of being taxidermy-ed to glare at England. All the way up in heaven, God took the time out of crying over the squirrel to stare at England in complete-unhindered captivation.

"Why are you only in your bunny?" the queen queried, taking in England's outfit.

And so he was, as the pelt of his Flying Mint Bunny barely covered his beautiful man parts.

"It was the only thing not in the laundry pile, and besides, I don't want all your taxidermy classes to go to waste."

"What a lovely-"

England turned to America and held up a sweaty, tanned hand to silence him. He planted his manry gaze on the queen, who flinched under that powerful glare as God swooned. England, meanwhile, was dripping with testosterone and raw meat, because we all know how manly raw meat is (double pun intended). Except that he was literally dripping with raw meat; it was quite disgusting.

England glanced at America while wiping the meat off his face. America, noticing the gaze, glanced up with his mouth full of hamburgers he had been previously been pulling from a plothole.

"Wh't?" grunted America, spitting more meat onto England's face in the process.

"We don't eat meat in this country," England said, backing America up next to a giant hole in the ground that has been there the whole time, the author swears.

"This is madness!" America shouted incredulously.

"Madness….?" Whispered England, looking down, but his head snapped back up a moment later as he screamed, "THIS IS SPARTA!"

He lifted a leg to kick America, but America interrupted by saying, "no, this is Patrick."

"Oh," England said, putting his leg back down and turning to the queen.

A tumbleweed tumbled by and America picked it up and started eating it in anxiety.

God squealed.

England took a deep breath.

"Look at your squirrel, now back to me, now back to your squirrel, now back to me. Not so sadly, it isn't me, but it could taste like me if you try our new 'Double Desu All The Way For Trannies,' made with real smashed up Desu Sparkles!"

The queen scratched her eye for a few seconds in contemplation before shaking her head decisively, "The voice inside my head says no."

America gasped and dropped the tumbleweed he had been munching on.

"Oh no you di-in't," England said with a Valley Girl accent, snapping his fingers left and right.

"Oh yes I did," the queen responded.

"You better put down my peanut butter."

"…No."

"Put down my peanut butter."

"I said no!"

"I SAID PUT DOWN MY CHUNKY!" England screamed, waving his arms around. America started sobbing silently.

"No dude, it's mine," the queen said. England paused.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It was mine the whole time."

"Well, sorry 'bout that there mix up, y'all go right ahead," England said, developing a southern accent.

England and America proceeded to disappear in a puff of taxidermy books as they teleported back to Siberia, where a giant bunny was having a tea party with a dead Rasputin. England and America saw what was going on and decided to make out. Right then. Right there.


	11. America x Japan

**A/N**: I've been trying to make longer chapters. They've been _slowly_ increasing in length. :P

One fine summer day in the streets of New York, a certain American hottie strolled down the sidewalk scantily clad in a Speedo from his previous encounter with England. The tiny article of clothing (if you can call that anymore) hugged his very large bottom deliciously and all of the woman who passed him (and men, coincidentally) stopped and ogled his very finely sculpted butt.

It should really be characterized as the "Walk of Shame," considering he was walking back from a certain nation's apartment after getting drunk and doing naughty things with the man and somehow ended up getting topped.

Although, his Walk of Shame could be deemed a Walk of Glory because he made it look so good. All of the other whores (yes, I DID just imply he was a whore) who were out for one-night-stands and were blatantly returning home from their dirty deeds the night before could only look ashamed and horrible since they had no access to make-up in another man's apartment.

America, however, only managed to glow radiantly in the morning sun- permeating masculinity and testosterone in his Speedo. His expression remained stoic behind those glasses, however, and his amazing composure in such a ridiculously (yet oddly alluring) revealing outfit made him strangely appealing to people, and he soon had a following.

Suddenly, a stereotypical 80s guy ran up with a stereo seated on his shoulders and he started playing the Thriller, which the American and his followers started dancing to in unison. America was obviously Michael Jackson, making his crotch-grabs very graphic and fanservice-y indeed. No one really minded, though things started to turn ugly when America started shooting people thinking they were Zombiechus.

A few blocks down people grew tired of getting shot and dancing to the incredibly long and boring (yet incredibly sung) song by MJ the alleged child eater, and somehow America had managed to change into a red jumpsuit in the few blocks they had gone, making him slightly less attractive to his audience. He hardly even noticed that his preceding had bailed anyway.

Eventually he traveled in a complete circle, ending up to where he started. But this time, Japan stood waiting.

"I've been standing here, waiting." He said. America narrowed his eyes.

"I've been walking here, walking."

"I need the pickle. It's important for the fluff trolls," Japan stated solemnly

"Not happening," America retorted.

"Then you leave me no choice," said Japan.

He pulled a shotgun out of his pants (God knows where he put it, yet he wished he didn't) and pointed it at America's head.

America gasped and his jaw dropped in surprise, "_you wouldn't!_"

"I would" responded Japan mercilessly, cocking the shotgun.

"You can't!" cried America desperately.

"I can~" Japan sing-songed in return.

America's sky-blue eyes welled with tears as he stared at a random squid with huge, desu-desu eyes, silently begging him for rescue.

"I-I... Fine," submitted the squid as he pulled away from a body with a sickening squelch sound. The body shakily got to his feet as the squid slid over to America after Japan retracted his gun, which he then used to shoot the person in the appendix for no apparent reason.

Ignoring the body's screams of agony, the squid used a suction cup to tilt up the blonde's face which was stained with tears and Kool-Aid.

"Th-Thought you were gonna leave me fer a second there..." muttered the American uncertainly as the squid blanched.

Sparkles and roses started to bloom and sparkle around them both (in that order) while they stared deeply into each other's eyes.

"You know I would never, ever do that to you, Tutti Frutti," said the squid as he leaned in close, puckering his lips.

"Oh, Rudy," whispered America, letting his eyes slip closed in anticipation.

The squid's mouth fell open in shock. "Who's Rudy?" he exclaimed in outrage.

The blonde's eyes shot open in recognition and panic.

"No, Squidy, that's not what I mea-" he received a sharp slap from a tentacle before he could finish, effectively knocking him out.

"Screw it; we're talking about this at home."

So the squid tried to drag America to his spaceship that was in the shape of some sort of phallic thing that the author doesn't want to say, but was stopped by Japan, who used his ninja Pikachu skills and turned the squid into pineapple-flavoured calamari. Frustrated, the squid threw America over his shoulder. America slumped to the ground as a scream was heard somewhere else. He shot off into space as Japan and a revived America watched from Earth, waving silently with handkerchiefs.

The author can't believe she didn't make an E.T. joke there.

A few seconds later they saw the spaceship spiraling towards Earth once more as the squid screamed, "THE FOURTH WALL HAS COLLAPSED!" from the interior.

An explosion sounded in the distance as Japan turned to America.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Wanna play DDR?"

"Sure."

So they did.

Then America got pissed because Japan kept beating him, so he called the Powerpuff Girls who blew up all the squids instead- with nukes that they acquired from Korea, who always has a surplus.

Even later, Japan carried the buff-as-Chuck-Norris America back to his home, nearly dropping him on several occasions, so he decided to use his magic wand to try the Wingardrium Leviosa charm but he said it wrong then got pissed again and broke his wand in half. Then Indiana Jones swung in and kicked Japan to the house then threw them some dynamite so they could blow up the entrance to the house even though it was unlocked. James Bond greeted them with only an apron on while he stirred a vat of toxic waste for some milkshakes as they made their way to their fish bowl.

Once there, they went at it like two Energizer bunnies on crack.


	12. France x Austria

**A/N:** France is amazing. :D *thumbs up*

The ever beautiful and wonderfully delicious France was locked in a tower. Austria was waiting below; flabbergasted by his gorgeous blonde curls.

Somewhere in China, Hungary stubbed her toe. "Ow," she said.

Austria got a strange sensation: "I think Hungary hurt herself…"

Back to the story. Austria was looking at France with longing in his eyes. "I wish I could have a tower like that."

The author, standing nearby in the bushes, waved her wand and with a flash of lightning, another beautiful tower appeared next to France's. "Ooo! Now I do have a tower!"

France frowned. "Aren't you supposed to save me? I haven't read any fairytales in the last millennia."

"Oh, right Pookins. Sorry. Here- _SaveyFrancyPansty_!"

"Dude, that's not even a spell."

Back in China, a Pikachu lovingly handed its cursing partner a bandage for her swelling toe.

_Back to the story_: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" Austria shouted. Suddenly, he was wearing a purple and gold costume with poufy sleeves and a plumed feather- hat thingy.

France laughed. "And risk getting split ends? No way, Romeo!"

"Ooooookay then. I'll just come get you!" Austria began to throw himself at the tower, attempting to climb up.

France, however, was distracted…. he was in the mood for frozen yogurt! He'd been getting cravings a lot lately… perhaps he was pregnant… Wait. He was an immortal- and immortals can't be pregnant.

Hungary's future son, Jimbo, looked up at her and said: "Mommy, was France an immortal?"

_For the last effing time, back to the story!_ France tapped his foot impatiently and threw his bald cap he got from a plot hole down to Austria.

"Oops! Let me just get that. Austria, could you throw my bald cap back up here?"

Austria looked at the bald cap. "So that explains my hair loss!"

"Are you going to give it back? And then save me? Our fans are getting bored!"

Austria smirked. "They're here for me, not you, France. Hello- I'm the one with screaming fan girls!" In the far distance, there was a faint cheer of girls yelling: "_Austria! Austria! Austria! Austria!" _Ignoring his fan's pleas, Austria conjured up a grappling hook. "Recently, I've developed a fetish for grappling hooks. They fascinate me!" He threw it with great force, but it caught a tree instead. "You know what? I'm not a cowboy! This is America's thing!" America appeared in a puff of red, white, and blue, and put both hands on his hips. His long cape flew out from behind him and rays of sunlight were protruding from all around his body. His hair was styled perfectly, his teeth were straight and bright white, and he had bought some of those foam abs. The heroic "ah- aaahhhh!" music played from nowhere.

"You may not be a hero, Austria- but I am!"

"Hi America!" France waved from above. "Can I have my bald cap back- oh! What happened to you?" America grumbled. "Stupid cabinets… hey! Where did you get that bald cap?"

"It was in t-" He was interrupted by a loud jingle: _Nobody's perfect! I gotta work it! Again and again till I get it right! Nobody's perfect!_

"What is that?" France asked.

Austria blushed, fumbling with his costume pocket. "Oh, that- that's just… my… cell phone. I'll just get that." He pulled out the bedazzled cell phone and turned around.

"Yeah… no, Hungary, I'm in the middle of something. No! I don't need that anymore… I solved my urinary issues! … ooo! Yeah, could you pack it in the little sandwich holder? Thank you… I really have to go. Bye."

America's jaw had dropped slightly and France's left eye was twitching a bit.

"You know what? My burger fluffers are waiting, so I'm just going to go and… yeah, bye." America left.

In a Nova Scotian yogurt shop, the author was currently arguing with a cashier. "What do you mean? Look, monkey, I only have to stamp two more little yogurt cups on my frequent customer card and I get a free yogurt. I want it now!"

"Miss, we don't accept this form of… currency." She fingered the galleon.

"What about this?" The author handed her some homemade dollar bills, which was just a piece of green construction paper with the queen's face taped on it.

"Umm, this isn't real."

"Stupid Death Eaters said it was…" she muttered. "You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm taking my yogurt and leaving!" And she did.

Up in the tower, France sighed. "Austria, I'm tired of your pathetic attempts to save me. I'm just going to take the stairs." And within seconds, he was out of the tower and standing next to Austria.

"You mean there were stairs this whole time?" Austria asked.

"Yeah."

Blink. Blink. Blink. "Well, here's your bald cap."

Somewhere in China, Hungary got a phone call: "Ms. Hungary, it's a code red. We've just received information telling us that the author just stole a frozen yogurt!"

"I'm on it!" Hungary ripped off her clothes, and was then embarrassed to realize she forgot to put on her Hungarian Power Like A Boss costume underneath.

BACK TO THE STORY! "So…" Austria said. "Is this the part where we kiss?"

France frowned. "Ew, no."

"But… we kiss, the sunset comes on, then the screen will fade to black, and the happy music plays. Then everyone gets up, leaves their popcorn on the ground, cracks their back, and complains about how it wasn't worth the fifteen- dollar ticket."

"They're charging fifteen dollars for this crap?"

"Apparently."

"Okay, CUT!" the author yelled from her director's chair. "Where was this in the lines?"

Austria took off his plumed feather-hat thingy. "I'm talking a lunch break, France. Who did you have write this script anyway-America?"

France looked embarrassed. "No…"

Austria removed his clothes. "All I can say is I can't wait for the sequel."

"C'mon, let's get some coffee." France linked arms with his boyfriend and they walked off the movie set.

Suddenly, the author appeared on screen. "Wait- what just happened? Authorception? That was random."


End file.
